Jesus the Autistic Possum

Some time before meeting sam davies for the first time, ellie came across an individual known only as depression in a box. he was a strange fellow and ellie was rather confused about who exactly he was. at some point, ellie was introduced into a cult, and depression in a box was their leader. it turns out that sam davies had previously been in this cult, but left because he believed himself to be better than depression in a box and even went as far to call him "scum of the estate". this saddened depression in a box greatly, and it is believed that because of these comments, it led depression in a box to change drastically. months had passed, and ellie had not heard from depression in a box for a very long time. she was too busy wrapped up in the drama of sam davies and the marsh massacre to put too much thought into it. after her difficult decision to leave the great sam davies, ellie contacted depression in a box again, only to learn that he had changed his name, and had renamed his cult to "christianity". depression in a box was then to only be known as jesus the autistic connman. ellie decided to tell jesus about the gruesome details of the marsh massacre, and also many other disturbing details of her short term relationship with the heir to the microsoft throne. jesus considered all of this newfound information carefully, and made the decision to spread the word to the rest of his cult. august 17th was made as the official marsh massacre memorial day, and he also led an investigation into the exact happenings of that fateful day. the investigation was led by jesus and his disciples, and they found large amounts of evidence that proved sam davies' guilt. for a brief amount of time, jesus became known as detective jesus the autistic connman. one day at school, jesus was pondering his thoughts on sam davies, as he usually would, until the idea came to his head for him to spread the word on sam davies awareness. he decided to tell ricky the rapist about sam and the marsh massacre, and from there the news spread like wildfire. the marsh massacre became known as a global phenomenon, and it has been rumoured that dwayne the rock johnson will be portraying sam in the upcoming 2022 movie, "that sounds like a bit of a you problem". after the word got back to carol and rob, rob was infuriated that sam had not passed on his genes and that he will not be bearing an heir apparent. he locked away sam davies for 12 months in order to do experiments on him to examine the reasons behind why he had not impregnated this 14 year old girl. in the midst of all this, jesus's tribe was thriving and they became known to say prayers and sing songs dedicated to sam davies, for example "road trip to the south of the uk" was an extremely popular hit at the time. jesus's word only spread further and further, until one day he mysteriously disappeared. nobody knows what happened to jesus in that year, but it is largely thought that his lack of public presence is due to him planning something much bigger. after THE RAT had almost tricked ellie into giving him immortality, jesus reappeared. ellie once again entertained him with the stories of THE RAT, sam davies, the purple alien and the chicken pimp. it was a great time to be alive for jesus and although this time he did not spread the word of these stories, he had something much bigger planned. later in life, jesus had been faced with a predicament. one of his closest followers, jack z, had a sister who is only known as forehead. forehead decided that she wanted a male companion, but jesus was too wise for her tricks. the only person that forehead managed to lure in was a proud british lad with a chode. these two had absolutely no attraction to one another and the only thing they had in common is the fact that they were desperate enough to date eachother. the fact that these two people were dating caused great dismay to jesus for a lot of reasons. first, he believed it to be against the word of god that such a companionship should be allowed, and found this relationship rather disgusting. also, the proud british lad was a nonce and jesus wanted to put a stop to his tricks instantly. jesus pondered many ways that he could end this relationship, and his first thought was time. he believed that there was no way that these two disgusting beings could date for more than 2 weeks, due to their natural incompatibility. for the first time in his entire existence of over a million years, jesus was wrong. the sheer force of the desperation that radiated from these two individuals defied everything that jesus had once known. he decided that it was time to call in the big guns. jesus contacted his associate, ellie ferg, for her abilities to seduce anybody due to her unnatural hotness. ellie ferg of course agreed solemnly to help her good friend. she of course successfully seduced chode and gained enough evidence that chode was not loyal to forehead. she sent the evidence over to jesus and he thanked her for her efforts. ellie was forever haunted by the sight of that disgusting barrel dick. jesus then sent the evidence over to jack z, who then showed the evidence to his mother sarah. naturally, sarah didnt give a shit. she had a talk with forehead and informed her of the bad news. initially, forehead was angry. but then it hit her that if she were to break up with chode, then she would be single with nobody to date once again. so forehead and chode made the decision to move on and that the events that happened the same day were in the past. jesus was astounded by this. they were too strong. their power was growing and would only become stronger and more dangerous. he could not let this go on.