Carl J Woods

Carl J Woods was thrown into existence at the beginning of the universe. He has since walked the lands of the earth and spent many a year trying to find the perfect woman to produce his offspring. It took him only 13.8 billion years to find his soulmate, Katie Price. Before meeting Katie, Carl was involved in a number of war crimes and is wanted in at least 42 countries. Some examples of the war crimes he committed was the use of a nuclear weapon, which he famously threw like a javelin to France because he "don't like none of those slug eating surrender monkeys". He was also found guilty of mass genocide when he committed every school shooting in America ever and then framed it on the students of each school. He leaves no victims alive in his path of destruction and mayhem. The only person to survive his brutal ninja moves is our gorgeous Kathleen. 12 years after her divorce in 1245, Kathleen came across the infamous Carl J Woods and he originally planned to murder her on the spot, but as he raised his gigantic spatula above his head, preparing to swing, Kathleen breathed water and then blew him away with her great strength and then she began to punch him aggressively. Carl could not believe his eyes when 10 million fireflies started to fly across the sky, all angered and aiming to attack him. Carl realised that he may have met his match. He summoned together all of his potential rage and burst a massive force field around him, blowing Kathleen away, much like how she had done the same with him. He began to march over to her and using his weapons of mass destruction to try and take her down. Kathleen dodged each one as if they were a dodgeball and then she summoned her best friend of all time, Ellie Ferg. Ellie then went on to say "hey bestieee" and Kathleen looked towards Ellie and communicated with her telepathically to tell Ellie to sit on Carl with her extreme weight. Carl anticipated this move as he can read minds and ran very quickly into a cedar tree. He climbed it like a spider monkey and then shot small toothpicks from his fingertips. Ellie was shot in the face and she mourned over her once beautiful face. Kathleen dismissed Ellie as she was now a useless asset and now a liability. Kathleen then chopped down the tree with her beaver teeth and Carl began to panick as the tree fell. He crashed into the ground and he realised that his legs were broken. They healed within 3 seconds and he got up and opened his mouth to show off his blindingly white teeth. Kayhleen was stunned for a few seconds but recovered. By then Carl was long gone. He needed to be more prepared for this battle next time. A few years later, Carl was wandering the lonely streets of Essex then he set his eyes on the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was walking as if there was an invisible horse between her legs and she had teeth sharper than a scalpel. Carl rushed over to the woman instantly and asked her for her name. As he scooped her up from the ground, she dropped her phone and said "Oi I was playing my bloody bingo blitz". Carl examined this womans face very carefully and felt her 67% plastic breasts and said to himself "yes. this will do nicely". The woman was confused and little did she know the importance of this moment. Carl had met his perfect mate. After about 3 months straight of shagging, Carl finally finished consumating their marriage. (It took so long for him to finish because even his large area was no match for Katie's manhole of a vagina - quite literally a manhole.) A few weeks ago, Katie found out that she was pregnant. Their child shall be almightly and will be named Carl J Woods Jr. His genes shall be perfect as his father is a literal immortal god (and famed war criminal) and his mother is a dragon.